Tag Archives: MFT3 crosspost

Balancing Acts

kTherapy with Katherine Allen, LMFT Posted on by

This post was originally made by Katherine on the MFT3 Blog on August 22, 2012, and is one of her most popular articles.  Her new office in Hanover has a mobile as well!

MFT3 MobileI have a beautiful mobile in my office and I refer to it almost every day when I am seeking to illustrate the ideas of change and balance. I mention balance quite a lot because, really, at the heart of what we do here in therapy, it is all about finding a new balance.

Balance within ourselves, say in our relationship dynamics or eating habits or spending/soothing patterns. Sometimes its about adjusting (balancing) when those around us make changes, like in divorce or when the economy shifts. The overriding principle is that yes, initially all change feels bad. Even good, planned and sought-after change still feels uncomfortable, like in adjusting to a new job or, cough cough, dieting.

But when we look to the mobile and follow its lead, what does the mobile do after it takes a blow? First: it shakes and reverberates for a while. But then if we give it enough time, it finds a new balance. Is it the same as before the blow? Nope. But is it any less beautiful than before the blow? I think not. It looks different and since we know that different doesn’t mean better or worse, then that’s OK. It’s still a mobile and it still holds the possibility of further future changes and even more unpredictable design, all the while seeking balance. I think that’s pretty cool. I love my mobile.

When Therapy Ends

kTherapy with Katherine Allen, LMFT Posted on by

This post was originally made by Katherine on the MFT3 Blog and chosen as the AAMFT “Member Blog of the Week” on October 11, 2011

Knowing when it’s time to quit

 

It’s hard to say goodbye even in the best of circumstances. But at the end of the day, essentially it is the end goal of every therapy relationship to ultimately end. Yes we are seeking goodbye from the first time we meet.

Sometimes this is done in a beautiful, Hollywood-worthy way when client reaches stated goal and is healed of the problem and therapist and client come to a collective agreement that yes, it is indeed time for us to part, sad but joyful, accomplished, healed. It can be hard saying goodbye to a relationship where you have shared your deepest secrets, fears, hopes and have grown to trust in this other person, the therapist. Sometimes the therapy relationship is the only honest and healthy relationship a client has ever encountered. Yet even then, especially then, it is important to say goodbye.

Sometimes clients say goodbye in less than flattering ways. Sometimes they just stop answering their phone. Sometimes they feel the need to yell at the therapist to aid in making the break. Sometimes they even need to vilify the therapist because they might have exposed too much, there are still some unresolved raw spots throbbing in pain.

Sometimes a therapist has to essentially fire a client, kick them out of the proverbial nest, launching them into this new world that they are now ready for. Or, sometimes, into a new therapy relationship that will hopefully address the as of yet unmet needs of that client.

Regardless of how or when we say goodbye, it is always emotional. The success stories are bursting with pride and accomplishment in both parties. The bad breakups feel bad, at least to this therapist, only in that it didn’t have to end that way. The vilified ones are awful, hopefully rare, and the fear is that the client will see the whole profession through hurt lenses and never get the healing they obviously need.

Sometimes it happens on a comfortable timeline, sometimes it feels too fast, or in the case of those being pushed out of the nest, too long.

But in the end every therapist is ready and well prepared for the goodbye. The issues arise when the clients aren’t on the same page. So take this lesson and share it – saying goodbye is hard and good, especially when done with mindfulness and understanding.

And just because the issue that brought you to therapy is resolved doesn’t mean that you can never go back. Life has a way of giving us multiple challenges. Know that it is a therapist’s highest compliment when a satisfied client returns in the future, new issue in hand. We’re here to help, ready when you are. And, ready to say goodbye again and again.

(cue Julie Andrews in The Sound of Music…)

Therapy is actually hard work

kTherapy with Katherine Allen, LMFT Posted on by

This post was originally made by Katherine on the MFT3 Blog and was chosen as the AAMFT “Member Blog of the Week” on March 24, 2011

A recent article in the New York Times has left me a bit steamed. In it, the author (Dr. Richard A. Friedman) states that he does not believe that insight can help someone in therapy feel better. To this point I would agree, insight alone is definitely not enough. But therapy isn’t about just understanding what the problem is, it is about challenging and embarking on answering this question; what are you willing to do to make it different? And this is where my job hits the pavement, sitting with and supporting clients through the hard work of change. Together we identify, interrupt and replace the old pattern/message/story and craft a new one.

There is an adage that comes from the world of addiction recovery but it’s one that I use with every client. It states that “Change will not happen until the pain of remaining the same is greater than the pain of change”.

In session, I hold out my hands and gesture that in one hand we have the pain of remaining the same and in the other hand we have the pain of change. Clients now have to choose a pain. Clients are typically in my office because the pain of remaining the same has reached a point of being greater than the unknown pain of change. So we discuss this and contract together to move into and through the pain of change.

There are few guarantees in therapy. What I can guarantee clients is pain, they just have to choose which one they are willing to embrace. If they choose the pain of remaining the same then they do not need my assistance, they are already familiar with what it is they do or tell themselves to manage their everyday. If they choose the pain of change, well then here we go. The second thing I can guarantee in therapy is work.

My style and approach may be different from the author’s but I would then challenge him to possibly embrace some pain of change and see how he can offer his patients a new experience.

The truly amazing thing about this profession is that the therapist is never done learning either.

In the beginning (initial post from 2008)

kTherapy with Katherine Allen, LMFT Posted on by

This is the first blog post Katherine wrote when launching her first private practice in August, 2008.  The long and winding road now leads to New Hampshire and kTherapy.

What is a “do-over” in real life? I have been going through one for the past several years and it was brought to my attention that maybe others may like to learn and see what my experience has been. (Thank you, Stanley).

kTherapy is the latest entry in my do-over. I am embarking on a private therapy practice after being in advertising for 16 years.

And how does one go from Advertising to Therapist?

Tune in and see.